Responding vs. Reacting
You likely get disappointing or even frustrating news at work. We all do. Projects don't go as planned. Colleagues fail to follow-through on commitments. The promotion goes to someone else.
How do you handle those situations? Are you reacting or responding?
This may seem like semantics, but I've seen the slight difference in behavior make or break how leaders are perceived.
To make things worse, reactions aren't always prompted by big events. Sometimes we “react” by jumping in to solve someone else's problem—not out of strategy, but because we’re trying to be helpful. That kind of reaction, though well-intentioned, doesn't tend to produce great long-term results.
Regardless of the context, reacting is typically a short-sighted way of seeking immediate relief. Responding is a more thoughtful and strategic approach. It puts a more objective focus on the situation and the employee. It sends a message that you are more concerned with lasting and meaningful solutions.
If you blow-up (reacting) on your employees every time they make a mistake, what are they learning? Among other things, they're learning not to openly share their mistakes with you in the future. This is the last thing you want as a leader.
That's not to say you should never react. We're all human. Reactions can be great for good news. It's even fine to react, on occasion, to difficult news. The key is to not make that a habit and to be able to quickly rebound from reactive to responsive when you do slip.
So how do we become more responsive, especially in the heat of the moment? Here are a few strategies to help…
Know your triggers
Understanding what triggers strong reactions from you in the first place is a key to being less reactive. This might be certain people, topics or behaviors. Knowing these triggers helps you spot them more quickly when they arise—making it easier to respond with intention.
Take a beat
When you feel yourself getting reactive, pause and take a breath. I mean this literally. Pause before you say anything, and take a deep breath (or three). This activates your parasympathetic nervous system and can interrupt the reaction.
I know this may feel funny if you're face to face with someone. In those situations, you can take a couple breaths in a slightly more subtle way as they are explaining what happened. Even if you do have a moment of silence as you pause, it's much better than an outburst.
Listen
Actively listening does two things here. It gives you more time to reset yourself if needed. It also allows you to gain a deeper understanding of the situation. Quick reactions are often based on surface level information and our judgments about them. Fully understanding an issue can help us move past that as we focus on solutions.
Assume good intent
I always find this phrase helpful. Most people don't come to work trying to ruin someone else's day or to do poorly at their job. I know it feels like Susan in accounting is only here to ruin your life, but I promise you she's not. She's her own person with her own goals and challenges and she's just doing her best out here, like the rest of us.
You've certainly made some mistakes in your career, we all have. Try to find that same grace when others are bringing you difficult news.
Thank them
This is one of my favorite things that I teach other leaders. Thank your team for bad news. This one behavior incorporates a lot of the things we've talked about. It buys you a few seconds to reset yourself if needed. It invites them to provide more information so that you can gain a deeper understanding. It assumes good intent by acknowledging the importance of transparency.
It can sound a simple as "First of all, thank you for bringing to this to me. I know it's not easy but being open and honest about these things is more important to me than the poor outcome here. Tell me a little more about what happened."
The fact they are being transparent with you is a huge win and something to build on. The more you do this, the more your team will learn they can trust you to be a thoughtful and responsive leader.
This Week's Action Items:
Take the time to understand the things that trigger your reactions, big and small.
If you feel a strong reaction coming, pause and take a few breaths.
Practice active listening to gain a deeper understanding of the issue.
Assume good intent from those you work with.
Thank your team for their transparency to demonstrate a solution-based focus.
