Emotional Bank Accounts
The metaphor of an "emotional bank account" is a useful way of thinking about relationships.
Relationships, like bank accounts, grow through consistent deposits. For relationships, these deposits come in the form of positive interactions. The more we engage in these behaviors, the deeper your trust and connection will grow.
You can then think of negative interactions as withdrawals. These behaviors cause frictions between individuals and limits trust.
We have a separate emotional bank account with each individual in our life, both personal and professional. For the sake of today's topic, I'm going to provide a non-exhaustive list of examples of behavioral deposits and withdrawals leaders make in their relationships with individuals on their team. Some of these items deserve their own topics, but for now I'll just be providing a brief description…
A positive balance
A quick note before we get to the examples…
If we hope to grow our relationships the same way we want to grow our bank accounts, it's important that we are making more deposits than withdrawals.
The Gottman Institute suggests a 5:1 ratio. Five deposits for every one withdrawal. Obviously, not all interactions carry the same weight…but there's also no need to overcomplicate this. The managerial examples below are pretty straightforward and it should be fairly easy to expand deposits and avoid excessive withdrawals without using an abacus.
Whether the gesture is big or small, maximize the good and limit the bad. If you do that consistently, you should be ok.
Deposits
Greeting your team - First thing in the morning (or shift), simply walking the floor and saying "hello" to your team. If they are remote, a quick ping can also work.
Feedback - Positive feedback is obvious here but constructive feedback can also help build trust if delivered effectively.
Praise - Praise is different from positive feedback as it's usually much more general in nature. Think "great job and project xyz".
Recognition - This is more formal recognition of an individual's contributions. Think public recognition, awards, raises, bonuses, promotions, etc.
Following-through on commitments - Doing what you say you will do.
Seeking input - Asking for your teams ideas, input and suggestions and following through on them.
Encouraging work/life balance - Respecting boundaries during non-work hours. Showing an interest in their personal life. Encouraging full use of vacation and paid-time-off.
Honesty - Being honest with your team while still being kind. A willingness to have hard conversations. Admitting your mistakes.
Transparency - Sharing what you know. Not withholding information. Explaining the "why" behind changes.
Supporting their development - Actively supporting their ongoing development. Not just in words, but in action.
Withdrawals
Unproductive criticism - Not to be confused with feedback. This type of communication criticizes without any helpful insight.
Overusing your authority - "Because I said so" mentality.
Not addressing issues - Not addressing performance or behavioral issues that are affecting the team.
Dismissing feedback - Dismissing feedback or making excuses when it's provided.
Cancelling 1on1s regularly - This gives the sense that they are not important.
Not keeping your word - Not following-through on what you say you will do. Also, not making promises you can't keep.
Unfair treatment - Playing favorites.
Poor communication - Not communicating clearly, consistently and frequently.
Micromanaging - Not giving your team the space and autonomy to do what they do best. Nitpicking work because it's not how you would do it.
Inconsistency/unpredictability - Your team has to guess which version of you they are getting that day. Making decisions that contradict prior direction or goals in general.
Unclear expectations - Not being clear and consistent with goals and performance expectations.
This Week's Action Items:
Identify a couple of positive behaviors (deposits) that you can focus on with your team.
Choose one or two withdrawal behaviors that you've habituated and work on avoiding them.
Aim for a 5:1 ratio of positive interactions to negative interactions, but don't get caught up on the weight of each.
